Game Review: Discworld Noir

Time for a geek post. I've held it in long enough.

Despite having booked flights to Alexandria, read Caitlin Moran's How to be a Woman and survived the carnage of an N-Dubz gig for the third time in a row whilst out of my metaphorical tree and resembling a mud-drenched bag lady at Guilfest, I still consider this last week's greatest achievement to have been the completion of Discworld Noir, one of my favourite games of all time. I remember being glued to this as a 10-year-old, unashamedly relaying instructions from a walkthrough while my best friend clicked away, until eventually the computer packed up and we lost it all. Now, as a 19-year-old, it's all over... the loss of slow-burning anticipation for both this and Harry Potter in the same week makes everything feel oddly empty. But worth it.

If you are not already familiar - or, indeed, just not familiar enough - with the works of Terry Pratchett the best site to visit is http://www.lspace.org/. Personally I have not read all of them. Not even close. Having played the games first, I picked up the books in a completely random order and have now given myself a year to get through them all... would be a little intimidated by the though if it wasn't akin to, say, spending a year eating a packet of Rowntree's Randoms a day, or spending each night in a ballpond, while expanding your vocabulary and wrestling with pertinent philosophical puzzles. It's going to be a joy, as the game has already proved.

Getting Discworld Noir to work proved to be a bit of a challenge in itself. Designed for Windows 98, I'd never successfully got it working on any version of XP (the title screen would open, you'd get a glimpse of the square-jawed main character and then the whole thing would crash) and so hopes for Windows 7 hadn't been high. Nevertheless this Easter I resolved to give it a go. After trawling nerd forums for what felt like days I managed to install a patch that, while a little jittery at the beginning, allowed you to play the game with virtually no problems at all. This alone was enough for me to bounce around in a self-congratulatory bubble for the following week.

The game, with its dystopian night-time setting and narrator who communicates almost entirely through hard-boiled monologue, is an excellent parody of the film noir genre - the Wikipedia page details a few of the not-so-subtle references. Having also been an avid Tomb Raider fan back when Pierre and Larson were the only humanoid baddies and Lara's breasts were still bigger than her head, I cackled at the appearance of 'Laredo Cronk - Tomb Evacuator' in the Guild of Archaeologists. 

In addition, as with the older games, a number of the characters and locations from the books appear in the game: Vimes and Nobby from the watch (again - the latter's put-upon Northernish accent seems to have changed since the older games), Death, the Patrician and Leonard da Quirm. The somewhat chunky graphics still managed to convey their distinct, slightly grotesque facial features but if I'd already had an image of what they should look like, it was far from ruined, as their in-game representations were spot on anyway. Everything about the settings was also perfect - the backing music, object design, the continual darkness and drizzle that characterise the game.

However, even if you haven't read a single Discworld it makes very little difference. When you're chasing a serial killer, searching for lost trolls, climbing walls, finding golden swords, blagging your way into wizard universities, turning undead (oops, spoiler.), gambling, clambering into sewers and saving the world, frankly whether or not your surroundings are familiar makes little difference. Interactions between characters, scripted by Pratchett himself, are fairly lengthy and so playing the game becomes less of an immersive, first-person experiece and more like reading a short story, at your own pace and to some extent in your own order. I very stupidly did not gather quotes as I was going, but the dialogue is as witty as the novels. You will laugh. Trust me.  

In conclusion: buy this game. Buy it now. And then with your grappling hook secure and your protective runes carefully drawn, and maybe some rubber gloves too, plunge into the world of internet geekdom and get hold of a game patch. You will not regret it.

Birthday traditions - my favourites

In India it is considered bad luck to receive a present wrapped in black and white, ruling out the possibility of some cheapskate using newspaper.

Argentinians tug on the earlobes of the birthday boy or girl, one pull for each year; the older you get, the longer you have to endure this potential awkwardness.

People in Bulgaria (as well as several other countries) fortunate enough to have a historic or biblical name get two birthdays! - one on the actual day and then a much bigger one on their 'name day'.

In China and Japan it is considered that everyone grows a year older on New Year,regardless of the actual date they were born.

Many Russians do not receive birthday cakes but birthday pies. Nuff said. Apparently it is also customary if you are still at school for your teacher to give you a present!

Somewhat depressingly Koreans hold a small celebration 100 days after a child is born to celebrate their having survived this far. But the first proper birthday is also an important affair, and often the child's fortune is told (by surrounding them with objects and seeing which ones they pick up).

In Denmark a flag is flown outside the house to indicate someone inside is having a birthday.

In Mexico - this.

In Lewis Carroll's world the concept of an un-birthday exists, allowing for 366 days of pure celebration.

And Wikipedia introduces the birthday paradox and birthday attack, which on clicking turn out to be two of the biggest letdowns ever.

I'm gonna go be 19 now.

Translation: El Canto del Loco - Besos

The first time I watched this on Youtube it came with a warning: this song is addictive! Extremely happy-making Spanishness even before you know (roughly) what the lyrics mean.

"Hey, listen, why
have you come out into the street, you, so cool
And tell me why
have you thrown away three hours in the mirror
making yourself attractive to ensnare,
out in the street and you don't think
that this means nothing.
That you're not going to impress anyone
that the best part, what's important, is in kisses.

And that's what I want, kisses.
Every morning I am woken up with them,
in the afternoon keep the kisses coming 
and later at night, give me kisses for dinner.

And tell me why
have you put a thousand creams on your body today
if no one can see them.
And I know your senses have left you.
You have to start afresh.
You have the things that remain external
and you hardly think of anything else
for better or for worse.
Metrosexual and lacking kisses.

And stop and see,
That those that love you don't see those things.
They just want to see that wink in your eye,
Uninhibited."